masked

Hesitation is the enemy.
To withhold my emotion
locking it in a box from you,
my down fall.

While I was out looking for myself,
somewhere alogn the way,
I lost you.

The pressing of my lips
drew you into
the heart of another.

I put on my shining armor
for you to see.
But under the surface
I want you to know
that you are
my weakness.

I'm sorry Im not
the person you have been seeing.
I wish I could be me
infront of you.
But the wall of words unsaid
has grown too gluntness
to break through.

"Wearing my shoes and waitting on you" this is for my father 1960-2000

Its been 7 years but short by some days
when you made that not so grand
escape from everything and me.

9 years 8months and some days
was the last time we drove away.
As i waved that shy little kid wave.
Asking "please daddy can i stay?"

Looking back through the window
of our beat down caravan.
I prayed you would keep your promise.
and see me that nexy day.

You didnt.
Like the too many times before.

My 6th birthday.
The card that came late from grandma
"Im sorry your daddy just forgot,
you know he's real busy these days."

I used to stay up past
my past bedtime warning.
My shoes still on waiting for the knock.
"its ok mommy daddy's coming this time
he's not lying he's not."
10 o'clock
11 o'clock
Sitting in the chair I fell asleep
waitting for the knock.

7 years ago but short some days
is when I knew,
you would never come
to get me.
No matter how long I kept my shoes on.

4 ways of seeing a card board box

The travel carrier for your
new wirlpool 3000
with french doors and
automatic climet control.
But still far to big to
recycle.

The only stage
for those desprate
to find expression through
pops and locks.

A mystical vessle
capable of carting
a 3 and 5 year old to
the ends of the galaxy.
Then home in time for dinner.

The just good enough-
bed.
For the man with a silver star
and 2 purple hearts.

10 ways of seeing me

A Mess on paper
more so off.
But normal-
at first glance.

Way more that just
another face,
less than the effort
put into.

Bold & forward on the outside
unsure and cowardly
in her room

An emotional quagmire
fighting steadfastly,
only to have medication-
doubled.

Avoids misplacement
and odd number
by all means necessary.

Her worst fear
being lost.

Swirls of color.
Mostly dull grean
and deeps greys.
A single
crimpson block of rythm.
One pair of
almond orbs.
Slightyly off center.

Obscure awkward
and blunt to a fault.

Thinking used as a passtime.
With holding from action
a deciding flaw.

A stone lookign from out here.
In reality
too aware of her weakness to be that
strong.

for everythign else there is master card

Ambulance to the hospital- $370

Emergancy room treatment $745.18

Failed stomach pumping attempt $418

2 tubes of liquid chae cole to make me puke $10o0

Introduction and removal of the unwanted catheder $846

4 day 16 hour stay in ICU $48,735.68
1 hour 23 minute transport to treatment center $368

4 weeks on intervention $68,986.32
Socks to keep me from slipping while avoiding a shot $28
Manditory journal $13
Daily group with the clinition that thought me name was Margerin $90 x20

getting a clean bill of mental health...............

$121,690,18
Somethings money cant buy
and everything else neither can i

The Cab money is on the dresser

Abusive sleep overs and
blank eyes of
deconstruction

I am Not going to smile

My tears escape me
leaving ambivalence
and daydreams floating.

While the space between use
fills with
pasive agressive silence a
nd the emtpy condom wrappers,
that will be discarded
as quickly as you.

Your ethics
have no place here.

Silly things like
you name and
number will not
confort me.

Please don't stay.

Our slow dance of
selfdestruction
has linked us far too long.

This persuite of
selfish satisfacton
through taboo realations
and radical sexual content
have proven itself to be
fatal.

You can leave now.

Let me breath.
Don't touch this empty
shell or kiss me.

Go away and let me sleep,
in this damp hotel room
and this all to farmilar
stained sheets.

Please disapear
but take your
adultrous lips
and silver tounge with you.

Your hollow suduction
has done enough.

Let the horn and howls
from the distant highway
rock me to sleep

The smoke from you cigar
the comocasies and whiskey
will be my blanket.

Let the seizuring
florecent lights in the hall
be my lalaby

Just leave me here-
and let me cry.

Finger paints

Please

Change my colors.

Wont you?



Strip away the yellow

of my envy.

Then cover it with

the coral

of an open mind .



Take my colors

wipe away the irvy

in my weakness

and fill the empty space

with your pinks and greens

of love and self awareness

BBB

its not finished but here is some of my thoughts

you know
real have curves

its ok it you have them too
Thick thys and a
bulging gut to boot

But I am Beautiful
and so are you

We may have muffin tops
and soft spots on our
valumptues bodies

thats not fat thats
Think.

We are so filled up
with all this
knowelge and insperation.

That is spills over to
the outside
filling out our waists


Its not fat
its more to wrap around
and hold onto.

WE bring new meaning
to "Big Love"
I'm ok with that aren't you.

Big is beautiful
and so are you

perfect match

I dance when it rains,
spin around laughing out
the air in my lungs.
She wears her rain coat.

I will order my carnavor pizza
with sausage bacan
and ham.
I dig right in.
She lost 20 pounds
and still wants to be
thin.

I will sing her my heart
"unforgettable thats what you are"
She sits with a silent
smile brushing her hair.

She will be the first
at the party to turn
the music down.
I am usually the one
running and jumping
around.

I say
"try anything once
twice if you like it"
She will
investigate 4 weeks before
even concidering.

She is the yin
I am yang

A mixed match couple
But still one in the same.

keeping secrets

keeping secrets
I may say "big deal"
but-I'm actually terrified,
of what may you thinkof me.

I am loudhyper and weird,
but I would ratherfit in.

PRIDE is notall its cracked up to be.
When all I want is to Is to be
just like all of you

I would rather be an idiot
with lots of friends,
instead of just another loney genuis.

I claim regret nothing.
But looking back
I would change everything.

A personal choice helps it all to end

Smile on the outside
Hate with in

Trainquil outside
Burning in

Stagnant outside
Running in

breathing on the outside
Choking with in

Dacing outside
Dying in

Laughter outside
Screaming in

Over the RAINBOW

"DYKE!!!!
Faggot, Homo, queer-
Ya big LEEEEEESSSBOOOO!"

The nasty words over time
have began
to sound beautiful to me.

Well
Once you said them enough-
Long enough,
Loud enough.

I am less afraid of these words now.
I am more willing to use them,
besides
they are just words.

They only have the power
I
give them.

Hearing them has
made me
a little
stronger.

I am strong enough to say
"fag".
But
that does not mean
I am not afraid to be one.

I am not afraid to sit and say
"Yes,
I am-
gay"

I maywhisper but
I said it
proudly.
I can't scream it from roof tops.
Yet.

BUT
I can say it.

I am who I am.
I am what you see.
regardless of consequence.

I will never again stand back
in silence
because someone tells me,
I am ine someway
Less than
what I "should" be.

To anyone who thinks,
they are doing anything
by calling me a name.
You are wasteing time
I'm not ashamed.

Besides I have heard the
all.

LOUDER
Stronger
BOLDER
and waaaay Loooooonger
than you can ever say them.

And I have not changed.

Even my family
with all their hypocrisies
are powerless
to change Me.

Yes,
I may be a
"Social outcaste",
a "sinner with no moral fabric."
But at what cost?

I am Happy.
Can you say that?

I am happy outside the circle of
those who aren't willing
or strong enough to accept me,
with all of my faults.

Why not?

I accept you despite yours.
But thats okay.

One day
I will go away.
To a place where I belong.

Hoevery as for today,
I'm okay.
I will not worry myself
with what you
may say to me .

I am who I am.
I am nothing other than
Me.
I am who I am
and I am happy.

looseher

This obviously is not finished Just was some feeligns i had to get down

Looking in there
I don't see her
anymore.

I lost her.

There is no more beauty
No matter how deep
I look.

"Come out come out
where ever you are"
Nothing.

She's gone.

I study the pictures.
Her lovely face,
small slinder frame.

And I miss her.

I seek-
"where could she be?"
Not lost, hidding.
Purged years ago

I don't find her.
Never in my dreams
or in the mirror.

She's gone.

The me I long to be again.

this is just a draft i, posting it so everyone can see it. Im guessing you can get what im trying to say with it. Im not sure where to take it from here soooooooooo this is it for now

18
the number of legality
18
is freedom
18
is more than a number
18 means
it can be your fault

hide and seeking

I stare blankly at a screen while it mocks me.
I can not breath out the word that are choking me.
I can not get them on the screen.

Im wresting with my memory,
thinking trying to understand events
of the not so long ago.
But perhaps its better not to know.

the death of a marraige

A conjoined life that was once filled with happiness
Now is consumed with
Monotony
Being in L.O.V.E. is no longer
Part of this
Extraordinary life.
It’s just……..
A life filled with passion
and infatuation
has been emptied and reduced to
nothing more than

luke warm lust