A conjoined life that was once filled with happiness
Now is consumed with
Monotony
Being in L.O.V.E. is no longer
Part of this
Extraordinary life.
It’s just……..
A life filled with passion
and infatuation
has been emptied and reduced to
nothing more than
luke warm lust
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2 comments:
first off, love it: "lukewarm lust." what an excellent way to capture a loss of passion!
anyway.
i think this piece has a lot of potential, however the world choice is almost too bland for such a sensitive piece. strikeout the line "...with passion has been emptied and" to just leave reduced. i understand your need for more words to create a powerful image, but sometimes one word can be the right word. you know what i mean?
the beginning line could be replaced: "a life entwined once filled with happiness..."
see what i'm doing? condense your thoughts into concrete meanings. don't worry about sounding poetic. as well, put monotony [love it word] on the former sentence so it reads, "...is now consumed with monotony." yeah, period after monotony.
start off the next sentence with just love. being in takes away from the emphasis. as well, eliminate "it's just..." but if you're attatched to that interrupter, than make it a new stanza.
oh, and title. it's blunt, and i like bluntness, but here's where your creativity comes in handy. :]]]! although i myself am a victim of terrible titles. gah! maybe something like... "the death of marriage." or... "marriage is death." you know?
well i think i've caused enough destruction for one piece. i hope i helped you out a bit, and keep writing! :]!
I love your poetry it just warms my heart
from Broadway
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