for everythign else there is master card

Ambulance to the hospital- $370

Emergancy room treatment $745.18

Failed stomach pumping attempt $418

2 tubes of liquid chae cole to make me puke $10o0

Introduction and removal of the unwanted catheder $846

4 day 16 hour stay in ICU $48,735.68
1 hour 23 minute transport to treatment center $368

4 weeks on intervention $68,986.32
Socks to keep me from slipping while avoiding a shot $28
Manditory journal $13
Daily group with the clinition that thought me name was Margerin $90 x20

getting a clean bill of mental health...............

$121,690,18
Somethings money cant buy
and everything else neither can i

The Cab money is on the dresser

Abusive sleep overs and
blank eyes of
deconstruction

I am Not going to smile

My tears escape me
leaving ambivalence
and daydreams floating.

While the space between use
fills with
pasive agressive silence a
nd the emtpy condom wrappers,
that will be discarded
as quickly as you.

Your ethics
have no place here.

Silly things like
you name and
number will not
confort me.

Please don't stay.

Our slow dance of
selfdestruction
has linked us far too long.

This persuite of
selfish satisfacton
through taboo realations
and radical sexual content
have proven itself to be
fatal.

You can leave now.

Let me breath.
Don't touch this empty
shell or kiss me.

Go away and let me sleep,
in this damp hotel room
and this all to farmilar
stained sheets.

Please disapear
but take your
adultrous lips
and silver tounge with you.

Your hollow suduction
has done enough.

Let the horn and howls
from the distant highway
rock me to sleep

The smoke from you cigar
the comocasies and whiskey
will be my blanket.

Let the seizuring
florecent lights in the hall
be my lalaby

Just leave me here-
and let me cry.

Finger paints

Please

Change my colors.

Wont you?



Strip away the yellow

of my envy.

Then cover it with

the coral

of an open mind .



Take my colors

wipe away the irvy

in my weakness

and fill the empty space

with your pinks and greens

of love and self awareness

BBB

its not finished but here is some of my thoughts

you know
real have curves

its ok it you have them too
Thick thys and a
bulging gut to boot

But I am Beautiful
and so are you

We may have muffin tops
and soft spots on our
valumptues bodies

thats not fat thats
Think.

We are so filled up
with all this
knowelge and insperation.

That is spills over to
the outside
filling out our waists


Its not fat
its more to wrap around
and hold onto.

WE bring new meaning
to "Big Love"
I'm ok with that aren't you.

Big is beautiful
and so are you

perfect match

I dance when it rains,
spin around laughing out
the air in my lungs.
She wears her rain coat.

I will order my carnavor pizza
with sausage bacan
and ham.
I dig right in.
She lost 20 pounds
and still wants to be
thin.

I will sing her my heart
"unforgettable thats what you are"
She sits with a silent
smile brushing her hair.

She will be the first
at the party to turn
the music down.
I am usually the one
running and jumping
around.

I say
"try anything once
twice if you like it"
She will
investigate 4 weeks before
even concidering.

She is the yin
I am yang

A mixed match couple
But still one in the same.

keeping secrets

keeping secrets
I may say "big deal"
but-I'm actually terrified,
of what may you thinkof me.

I am loudhyper and weird,
but I would ratherfit in.

PRIDE is notall its cracked up to be.
When all I want is to Is to be
just like all of you

I would rather be an idiot
with lots of friends,
instead of just another loney genuis.

I claim regret nothing.
But looking back
I would change everything.

A personal choice helps it all to end

Smile on the outside
Hate with in

Trainquil outside
Burning in

Stagnant outside
Running in

breathing on the outside
Choking with in

Dacing outside
Dying in

Laughter outside
Screaming in

Over the RAINBOW

"DYKE!!!!
Faggot, Homo, queer-
Ya big LEEEEEESSSBOOOO!"

The nasty words over time
have began
to sound beautiful to me.

Well
Once you said them enough-
Long enough,
Loud enough.

I am less afraid of these words now.
I am more willing to use them,
besides
they are just words.

They only have the power
I
give them.

Hearing them has
made me
a little
stronger.

I am strong enough to say
"fag".
But
that does not mean
I am not afraid to be one.

I am not afraid to sit and say
"Yes,
I am-
gay"

I maywhisper but
I said it
proudly.
I can't scream it from roof tops.
Yet.

BUT
I can say it.

I am who I am.
I am what you see.
regardless of consequence.

I will never again stand back
in silence
because someone tells me,
I am ine someway
Less than
what I "should" be.

To anyone who thinks,
they are doing anything
by calling me a name.
You are wasteing time
I'm not ashamed.

Besides I have heard the
all.

LOUDER
Stronger
BOLDER
and waaaay Loooooonger
than you can ever say them.

And I have not changed.

Even my family
with all their hypocrisies
are powerless
to change Me.

Yes,
I may be a
"Social outcaste",
a "sinner with no moral fabric."
But at what cost?

I am Happy.
Can you say that?

I am happy outside the circle of
those who aren't willing
or strong enough to accept me,
with all of my faults.

Why not?

I accept you despite yours.
But thats okay.

One day
I will go away.
To a place where I belong.

Hoevery as for today,
I'm okay.
I will not worry myself
with what you
may say to me .

I am who I am.
I am nothing other than
Me.
I am who I am
and I am happy.

looseher

This obviously is not finished Just was some feeligns i had to get down

Looking in there
I don't see her
anymore.

I lost her.

There is no more beauty
No matter how deep
I look.

"Come out come out
where ever you are"
Nothing.

She's gone.

I study the pictures.
Her lovely face,
small slinder frame.

And I miss her.

I seek-
"where could she be?"
Not lost, hidding.
Purged years ago

I don't find her.
Never in my dreams
or in the mirror.

She's gone.

The me I long to be again.